From: FirePhile Date sent: Tue, 30 Dec 1997 21:53:19 EST Subject: Test Subject (1/1) by FirePhile Disclaimer: Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, Emily, etc. belong to CC&Co, 1013 Productions and FOX Television Network. No copyright infringement is intended. Title: Test Subject Author: FirePhile Spoilers: Christmas Carol/Emily Rating: PG Category: VA Summary: Scully's thoughts at Emily's funeral. Short Author's Note: Send all feedback to FirePhile@aol.com and get lovely hugs in return. I should feel more. It is the only thought that comes to my mind during this sermon. Lying only a few feet away in a tiny white coffin is a child who in a few short days became my entire life. Part of me wants to crawl in there with her, block out the light forever and never have to deal with the horrible revelations that have slammed me these past few weeks. My mind flashes back to a news story I heard while getting ready for work a few weeks ago. The dying wish of a woman with Leukemia was to have a child. Her eggs were removed, fertilized with a donor's sperm and frozen. They were placed in a surrogate mother and the child was to raised by the married brother of the dying woman. Emily was my child. For a few days I had that woman's wish. A heart that beat with mine, eyes which reflected my soul, small soft hands which fit naturally into mine. I was a mother if only biologically. When I learned of my infertility I mourned the children that would never exist and the longing that could never be fulfilled. I am not even sure what I am mourning now. I have no tears, perhaps because I spent the night of Emily's death crying. I did not know Emily, I only knew the idea of her--God I loved that idea. I cried more for myself that anything else and I cannot shake the feeling that it is my fault she died. It is easy to say aloud that her death was a mercy but in my heart it is hard to accept. Even if she was a test subject, she was still a little girl and once had an adopted mother who loved her very much. A woman that signed her death warrant by stopping the use of her daughter as a lab rat. The hospital wanted to do an autopsy and for once I was the one who blocked it. Emily's body was pricked, prodded and monitored so much in life it is her right to be unmarred in death. As her mother I say this. For months I have been trying to deal with what may have been done to me during my abduction. I have not wanted to face what might have happened but the news that Mulder told the judge split open my heart. Am I like Emily? Nothing more than a lab rat; tested, evaluated, measured and left to die? I close my eyes and all I see is green blood. It was like an nightmare. It is still a nightmare and I will never wake up. To function I tell myself over and over again that the green blood is as a result of governmental testing on humans. That science can explain it. An argument that gets weaker and weaker every time I try to convince myself. No science I know can explain the retrovirus or the disintegrating bodies that I have seen. It certainly could not explain what happened in that Maryland hotel room, an event which I have tried to forget. During the bleakest nights there is one truth from which I cannot escape. I have turned back to God because I have lost some of my faith in science. An admission I make only to myself. In the face of such honesty, my skepticism is ridiculous, I wear denial like a coat of armor. Science did not cure my cancer. It could not save Emily and science will not comfort me now. I admit this aloud to no one. It is ironic that while I am losing my faith in science Mulder is faltering in his faith to believe. If Emily had happened to us earlier he would be proposing theories about alien/human hybrids. He would try to convince me she was a result of secret testing with aliens. He would say things that would be at home in the worst science fiction movies. But he does not. I am not sure if he does not say these things because he does not want to hurt me or if he truly does not believe anymore. No, he has told me, he does not believe. My fears are coming true, even though he is here he is miles away. His eyes are lifeless, their spark gone. All the pressure is on me. I must be the strong one, regardless of the tragedy that has happened. I must pretend that everything is fine, that I am not afraid, that this unforeseen, devastating blow has not broken me. I am cracked, reeling from the knowledge of what these people have done and continue to do. I am frightened of the possibility that Emily was only one of many. I just realized, those bastards have me. They own me. With that small body in the coffin, they have me more than ever before. All they have to do is dangle another Emily in front of me and I will do anything they demand of me. I am bought, my soul is no longer my own. No, no, no I cannot let them win. No matter how much pain I feel I must continue, must keep fighting. I will not allow them to break both of us. The service is over. I tell mom I am going home with Mulder. Mom would expect me to react; to cry, to scream, to do something. I can be emotionless around Mulder. He will not push. My family leaves the chapel slowly and Mulder arrives. We talk. I can sense he is hiding something from me, although I cannot tell anymore. I realize no matter how against the idea I am, we must autopsy Emily's body, the only hard evidence that is left. I open the coffin and barely stop myself from slamming the lid shut. Life has left her small body and I do not want to see her in death. I pick up the cross buried in the sand and stare at it with eyes close to tears. She's gone, they have taken her, destroyed the body or are studying it, a test subject to the end. I suddenly feel cold and want to slink down to the floor to lay there for a few hours, but I resist the temptation. I look over at Mulder, to show him what has happened, but he does not meet my eyes. I am alone. They have won. I make a resolution to myself, even if it is after New Year's. I will stay strong and repress all the feelings I have about this and I will somehow keep Mulder from completely fading away. Unfortunately, I have never been able to uphold my New Year's promises. I turn and walk towards the entrance. He follows me, no longer in the lead or even at my side. A physical change and I sense a sign of things to come. END ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------- Longer Author's Note: Many thanks go out to JoeAnnK for her brilliant editing job and to Foxzphile for her advice. Some people might be wondering, "When did Mulder tell Scully that he no longer believes?" Well, it's a reference to another vignette I wrote where Mulder does tell Scully about Samantha which is called "It Will Never Be the Same". Thanks for reading!