Disclaimer: CSM, the whole Mulder clan, etc. belong to CC&Co, 1013 Productions and FOX TV network, no copyright infringement is intended. This story is mine however :) Title: Into Nothingness Author: FirePhile Email Addy: FirePhile@aol.com DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: OK TO ARCHIVE AND DISTRIBUTE Spoilers: Up to Demons Rating: PG Classification: SRA Summary: The abduction, aftermath and Mrs. Mulder's relationship with CSM as one author sees it. July 16, 1973 Quonochontaug, Rhode Island 1:26 AM The small summer community was still, most people were getting ready for bed or already sleeping. Teenagers were sneaking into unlocked homes and trying not to wake their parents. Younger children had been worn out by their busy days and went to sleep early. Some other teenagers hung out somewhere else and wouldn't be back until later. In some homes the soft sound of a radio could be heard above the storm. Rain filled the lake and pelted the roofs of the homes and after a while the radios stopped. Tina Mulder heard the knocking in her dream and mistook it for thunder. However, her mind quickly realized that the banging was too close and had to be the door, especially when she heard the knock on the window. Her mind groggily tried to figure out who would be visiting at such a late hour. After all, Bill was away working, Fox and Samantha were over at friend's houses. She threw off the thin covers and jumped out of bed, she'd feel if something had happened to either one of them but if experience had taught her anything, late night news was never good. She threw on her robe and ran to the door half expecting to see a policeman. She looked out the window near the front door and was confused, what was he doing here? She opened the door. "Andrew, what's wrong?" He was soaked from head to toe, his light brown hair was plastered to his head and he was leaning against the door frame as if he lacked the strength to stand. "Can I come in?" He asked, his voice as cold as his steel blue eyes. "Bill's not here right now. Do you want me to get in touch with him and tell him you stopped by?" She let him in anyway, he'd catch pneumonia if he stayed outside much longer. "No, I came to see you," he walked through the door and dripped water on the carpet when he moved. Tina self conciously pulled her robe's belt tighter and folded her arms over her chest. "Couldn't this wait till tomorrow?" She started. He shook his head slowly and stared right into her light blue eyes. "We won a battle tonight," He put his hand into his trench coat pocket and brought out a small metallic cylinder shaped object. "A battle," he repeated and pressed a button. Tina took a step back when she heard a swoosh noise and an icepick like point came out of the object's top. "What...what is that?" She asked in amazement. "The spoils of war," He answered and pressed the button again. The point went back into the cylinder and left no sign on the smooth surface. "We defeated one of those things tonight and it left this behind. It's a weapon, we've seen it many times before. Finally we have a way to kill those things. As you know, bullets don't work on the creature." Tina nodded slowly, she had seen what previous attempts to kill the creatures had done to their fighters. She had witnessed people fall after being exposed to the green blood like substance and had been unable to save them. Andrew crossed the room and handed the cylinder to her. His touch sent a shiver through her entire body and she forced herself to remain calm. She knew her thoughts were inappropriate, she should be concentrating on this item in her hands and its purpose, not her own sexual desires for the man standing in front of her besides which she was a happily married woman not some hormone crazed teenager and Andrew was also her husband's best friend. She was so lost in thought that it took her a moment to realize he was still holding her hand. She heard her blood pound in her ears, looked into his eyes and saw an emotion that terrified her. Every cell in her body screamed for her to drop her hand and take a step back, but she wasn't listening. Her breathing suddenly seemed very loud to her own ears and she was barely conscious of him wrapping an arm around her waist. He drew her close to him, close enough so that she could feel his wet clothes against her. His face was near hers, very near and time seemed to stop for the instant that he lowered his lips to hers. Now her mind was really sending out warning signals to her, begging her to break free of his embrace and stay faithful to Bill. Pleading with her to think of her children and what this might do to them. She couldn't listen to those voices though, she was beyond the point of reason and the cylinder dropped out of her hand and onto the carpeted floor as she put her arms around him. When she broke off the kiss it was only to say in a ragged, low voice "You should take off those wet clothes and get some sleep." "Yes..." he murmured against her neck and kissed her as they made their way to the bedroom. Hours later they lay tangled in the master bedroom sheets and each other. Tina stared up at the ceiling, not realizing what she had done. "That...that was incredible." She whispered, trying to push all guilty thoughts back for at least a little while longer. It had been amazing, animalistic, unbridled, just what she'd imagined in her secret dreams. However, this was reality and repercussions were sure to follow. She loved Bill with all her heart but he was always gentle and restrained. Was she in love with the man lying next to her? No, but she did care about him. Suddenly, the facts of the situation hit her hard, she had just slept with one of Bill's good friends, the same man who played with her children and water-skied with her husband right on the lake she could see through her window. To make matters even worse, he was involved in The Project at some unknown level and those people were always looking for something to hold over their member's heads. Tina took a deep shuddering breath and blinked back tears. Bill could never find out about this, it would kill him. In her mind she felt the chains of blackmail encircling and holding her although they were only Andrew's arms. She turned away from him and closed her eyes, she was trapped, they knew everything. ********* Chilmark, MA August 31, 1973 2:35 AM "Tina..." Bill Mulder opened the bedroom door, seeing his wife laying down on the bed, most likely asleep. "What time is it?" She opened her eyes and turned on the lamp. "It's late but we have to talk." He slurred the words slightly. Tina was now wide awake. She saw the expression on her husband's face, he looked beaten, no more than beaten, ruined. She held back a gasp. "What's wrong?" She tried to say lightly. He stumbled in and sat on the edge of the bed. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. "Have you been drinking?" It wasn't unusual for Bill to have a drink or two before coming home but he almost never came home drunk. He nodded, the room was starting to sway. After he'd been given the order there was no way he could return home sober. "I had a meeting with them today, Andrew wasn't with me. They said I'd been weakening that I was going to go public..." "Where did they hear that?" "I don't know but my assurances of loyalty weren't enough, they want collateral, they want to make sure that I never talk. Tina, you have to understand..." He pleaded, his voice a whisper. "What do they want Bill?" She felt a pit forming at the bottom of her stomach. "One of our children..." He whispered, not looking at her. She felt herself start to fall, there was nothing to grasp onto, just an endless pit of nothingness. Bill touched her shoulder and she jumped as if burned. "No...no...no..." She closed her eyes, trying to keep back threatening tears. Her heart felt as if it was being torn apart. "Tina, either we hand one of them over or they'll kill all of us. And you know they won't stop there. If there was any way out of this I'd take it...but this situation has no loopholes." He grasped her shoulders, trying to make her look at him. She stared at the comforter, she knew what he was saying, but she couldn't accept it. "I'd sooner die than hand one of my babies over to those animals. I know what they do to children..." She spoke bitterly, trying to keep the images of the test subjects away, but failing. "It's not just our lives, it's both of our families. They'd kill our brothers, sisters, we can't make that choice for them and...it's our choice." Tina glared at him, "What do you mean?" "They want us to make the choice of who is taken." He was only calm because of the drinking he had done. Earlier he had been angry, but now vodka and some other drinks had made him almost numb. If he hadn't been drunk he wouldn't have hedged the next question, "Who do you love more? Fox or Samantha?" She looked like she wanted to slap him. "How can you even ask a question like that?" She wrapped her arms around herself and started to rub up and down, as if freezing. "I can't, it's like asking me, you can't expect me to decide. We can't decide, we can't let them win. There must be another way." She stared at him with a look that would turn boiling water to ice. He grabbed her shoulders harder, "Dammit Tina, there is no other way, this is it, no more chances. They're deadly serious and I don't have to remind you of the last person who was threatened and didn't respond favorably." She closed her eyes and looked away from him again, no the charred bodies of that family would stay in her subconscious forever. She didn't want to wind up like that or even worse watch her family be killed off until only she remained. There wasn't even a chance to run away and assume new identities, these people knew everything. "I can't decide." She whispered weakly and walked out of the room. He nodded, there was nothing more to be said, she'd given him the responsibility and the bulk of the guilt. He closed his eyes and collapsed on the bed. Tina walked down the hall to Fox and Samantha's rooms. Fox had, as usual fallen asleep with a book and Tina gently took it from his grip and put it on the table near his bed. She kissed his forehead and walked out of the room. Samantha on the other hand was sitting up in bed, staring straight ahead. She had been awoken by another nightmare, third time in the past week. Tina sat next to her and felt her daughter hug her tightly. "Mommy, it was so scary..." She whispered, crying. Tina hugged her tightly and stroked her hair, "It's ok, Mommy's here..." she whispered, rocking her slightly and trying to hold back her own tears. Every night before bed she hugged each child tightly and told them how much she loved them. She never knew which one she would lose, the knife poised over her head constantly. She also had to deal with Bill becoming more and more withdrawn. He missed a lot of family dinners and came home drunk frequently. The kids were beginning to wonder what was wrong and Tina had to lie and say that dad had something important due for work. One night in November, their next door neighbors had invited them over for dinner and cards. Tina accepted the offer, eager to get out for an evening. She thought about getting a baby sitter, but they were only next door and Fox could certainly handle Sam for a few hours. Dinner was wonderful and the cards were lots of fun, even if Bill did lose almost every hand. Well, his mind wasn't on the game, Tina could see that. Finally, it was time to leave and they had decided to do it again in December. Tina opened up the door to the house in a good mood and flipped the light switch. Nothing happened, odd, the power didn't go off next door. She thought nothing of it until she walked further into the living room and saw by moonlight stratego pieces scattered all over the floor. She sighed, when would those kids learn to put away games after they finished with them. It was then she saw the cigar box and its contents open on the floor. Bill's gun and ammo were lying out in the open and there was something on the ground next to them. Tina walked over and bent down to the floor, it was her son but he wasn't responding to her nudges. She tried calling his name and realized that he wasn't showing any signs of movement. The phone still worked and she dialed the hospital with shaky hands. "Samantha!" She called out, no answer and when Bill walked into the house a few minutes later she didn't even look at him. Somehow she knew exactly what had happened, they had gone through with their threat. The ambulance came and carried Fox and Tina off to the hospital. Fox didn't regain consciousness for a while and in the end only two facts remained, Samantha was missing and the last person to see her was her brother. The police investigated of course, young girls didn't go missing from towns like Chilmark, especially not children of State department workers. It was big news for a while, people spoke in stage whispers when Tina walked into the supermarket or anywhere else. There was no evidence, Sam had simply vanished. Fox was having a very rough time with it, teachers treated him very nicely but students gossiped about the incident and Bill didn't help matters, blaming the poor boy. Tina could only watch Bill verbally attack his son for everything and watch as Fox took more and more guilt upon himself. Two or three months after the kidnapping, Tina received an odd phone call, the voice was one which she recognized immediately and agreed to meet with later. She brought Fox over to her best-friend's house and drove off to her rendevoux. It was at an out of the way restaurant, one which no one from the area attended. The last thing Tina needed was even more people talking about her. She saw him at a back table, he smiled slightly when she entered the dining area. His ever present cigarette hanging out of his mouth. She sat across from him, ignoring the familiar ache spreading through her body. His blue eyes were looking at her with an emotion she couldn't quite place, sadness? regret? She consciously avoiding looking at him for too long, that had been an one time occurrence, something that would never happen again. "Tina, I'm so sorry about Samantha..." He started out. She nodded, at some level of thought alarm bells were going off. "Thank you Andrew." What else was there to say? "How's Fox taking it?" She sighed, "Not well. The police have ruled him out as a suspect, but he has no memories of that night or the next day. Where have you been?" "Away, on assignment. I don't like seeing you go through this alone Tina. Those beautiful blue eyes of yours are bloodshot and there are dark circles that no amount of cover-up can hide. How could Bill leave you just days after the incident to have to deal with those police all by yourself?" "How do you know I'm alone in this? Is the group spying on me? Are you watching over my every move?" She was starting to become angry, her voice rising with every question. "Word gets around and you know they watch everyone." He crushed the cigarette into an ash tray, took out a new one and lit it. He offered one to Tina, she declined, trying to calm herself down. "How's Sam, are they hurting her?" She asked, her eyes begging for answers. "You know I couldn't tell you that even if I knew." He reached out for her hand, she pulled back and held her hands close to her chest. "Now I know how all those mothers feel. The children that we take and give back, the adults that seem to disappear. I've never experienced pain like this before, it's a sharp burning pain that seems to reside in my heart and everytime I move I feel guilty. I can't live like this and Bill, God he's just off in his own world, totally untouchable. We argue now, it's all we do, we don't talk anymore." She knew she was saying too much, but it felt good to tell someone how she was feeling. Even if that someone was Andrew. "One day she'll be returned, I promise." He whispered, knowing full well there was no way he could keep it. He'd only told the committee that Bill was breaking because he thought it might cause them to make him leave, or something. He never expected them to take such drastic measures or that Tina would wind up so hurt and depressed. She glanced up at him with eyes glassy from unshed tears. "That's a promise no one can make. I live with it every day. In one instant they destroyed my husband, my son...myself... I want to scream at the investigators, 'there's nothing you can do, I know what happened, there's no crime to solve here go away!' but I don't, because they'll suspect me or Bill. So we go through the motions of searching for her, but there's no evidence and she's not going to turn up at any time soon. I don't care anymore about the grand objective or the greater good of mankind or any of that garbage. All I want is to hold my daughter again. I want to tuck her in and listen to her read aloud. I want to make her French toast with melted butter and hang up her artwork. I'd kill, maim, ruin to get the chance. I'd cut out my own tongue, bite off my own hand." Tears streamed down her face. "It's my fault." He admitted softly. "What do you mean?" "I told them Bill was weakening so that they'd do something to rectify it. I didn't mean to hurt you so much." She gazed at him with unbelieving eyes, "You bastard, how could you do that, to Bill, to the children, to me?" He took a puff of his cigarette, "I thought it might have let us be together." She gasped and stood up quickly, not trusting her emotions. "How could I've ever thought I was in love with you? You thought by destroying my husband, your best friend, we would wind up together? Bill taught me how to use a gun, and if you ever get within five feet of me, so help me, I'll kill you." She spoke with an anger she didn't even realize she possessed and ran silently sobbing out of the almost empty restaurant. Andrew kept smoking his cigarette, he knew she would take this badly, but he never expected her to react like that. Part of him wanted to run after her, to hold her in his arms and kiss her deeply. The stronger half told him he should never have told her the truth. She loved Bill, no matter what and nothing he did broke that bond. It was at that moment that he took a part of his heart and locked it up, never to see the light of day again. Emotions were for the weak he decided and took another drag of his cigarette. Author's Note: That wasn't too bad was it? Well, this is from watching Blessing Way/Paper Clip and a few other episodes one too many times. I decided to go with the Little Green Men version of the abduction and ignore Demons because the flashback scenes were really unreliable. Send any and ALL feedback to FirePhile@aol.com, I answer all mail and I love to meet new people.