Little Red Head
A Fairy Tale
By Anna Otto
Annaotto1@aol.com

This is a parody, a badfic, and just plain silly. 

Category: AAARRRGH!
Rating: R
Spoilers: Every episode with Little Red Head!
Keywords: UST, MSR, MulderTorture, psychos, monsters, conspiracy, and 
evil thoughts.
Summary: How Little Red Head defeated a big bad wolf and saved her one 
true love.
Feedback: yippee!
Archive: Do not. I mean it. Not even Gossamer.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. I will die without ever owning'em. 
And Little Red Riding Hood belongs to folklore.


	Once upon a time, there lived a girl called Dana Scully. But 
most people called her Little Red Head, because she had this head full 
of red hair and she was really short. In fact, I think she was tiny 
and carried a box with her to appear taller! She worked with this guy, 
named Mulder, who really loved her, I mean, he loved her a whole lot! 
She was his whole life, and she made him whole, and he even went to 
the bottom of the world (hey, there is top, there should be bottom, 
right?) to find her when bad people kidnapped her for the fifth time. 
And yet, all the above considered, for some reason he called her 
Scully, not Little Red Head, I mean, the man simply refused to speak 
three words instead of one. At least that was the excuse he used when
she complained about it.

	But I digress.

	Once, this guy Mulder got sick or something - I am certain 
that he was on the brink of death, in fact. You see, this happened a 
lot to Little Red Head and Mulder, they got hurt all the time. All 
kinds of monsters wanted to eat them, tearing them quickly (no, I 
think slowly is more poignant here... yes, definitely...) slowly into 
little pieces. And all kinds of psychos also wanted a piece of them. 
Sometimes there weren't even deep or complex psychological reasons as 
to why they wanted to kill/mutilate/torture/hurt Little Red Head and 
Mulder so badly. No, why would they need the deep reasons? I guess 
they just looked good or something, and besides all monsters and 
psychos are evil, anyway. Though I think there are some people who 
actually call themselves nice and still feel sadistic urges arise at 
the sight of the Little Red Head and Mulder.

	But I digress again.

	So Mulder was hurt, probably by a psycho... I think this 
time... maybe mutants were taking a day off. So Little Red Head went 
to her Mommy to cry and to get some guidance and basically because her 
Mommy really, really loved Mulder a lot, and she wanted to be informed 
of all the times when he got hurt. Or something. Anyway, she came to 
her Mommy's house, and her Mommy took a little lunchbox and filled it 
with all kinds of delicious things that Mulder liked. These were 
mostly sunflower seeds. Then Little Red Head added ice tea, of course. 
She knew he would love these precious things. Because he loved her.
Well, when he was conscious. Though come on, I mean, every woman 
should know that's no way to feed a man on the brink of death, but I 
don't think Little Red Head or her Mommy were thinking too clearly 
because well, they were obviously upset/overwrought/depressed that 
Mulder might die this time. This time... every time... every single 
time when she saw the blood rushing out of his veins as if a giant 
pump of his heart tried expelling gallons of it per second, she knew 
that her own heart was stopping inside her chest, unable to bear the 
sight of selfless - oh, always selfless! - sacrifices this man made 
for her and for the country and for every single person on this planet 
because he really cared. 

	I just keep doing this, don't I?

	So Little Red Hood... um... Head... went through the dark 
woods (OK, so I know she has a car, but I just want to make it more 
dramatic! Sue me!) to the hospital/hotel room/a little house on the 
prairie where Mulder lay dying/suffering/brooding/being sick and 
tortured in general/sniffing/running a fever and just waiting for her 
to get there and probably thinking of the goodbye speech to tell her 
or something. He would look deep into her eyes and try to convey the 
myriad of gentle thoughts of love and life and faith and belief and 
their struggle wasn't over, not yet! - she had to carry it on when he
was gone... 

	And of course - you knew this was coming, didn't you? - 
Little Red Head became a target of a big bad wolf. No wait! That's 
another story! A werewolf. No wait, it's been done before. A vampire. 
No, it's been done twice. A... psycho... no, a psycho already hurt 
Mulder, that would be repetitive. A... hold it... yes! I think this 
time it was a Bounty Hunter who pretended to look like a wolf. So no 
one would recognize him - isn't that brilliant? So Bounty Hunter, 
because he was evil, decided to catch Little Red Head. And of course,
he designed a great evil plan, involving Mulder. He would eat Mulder,
wait for Little Red Head to arrive and then he would deceive her! and
eat her!

	He went to find Mulder and not even the sight of his gray 
face and protruding cheekbones and dark circles around the beautiful 
hazel eyes and white bandages covering him from head to toe and all 
the machinery barely supporting his life and the hair standing on edge 
could keep the hunger of the Bounty Hunter at bay.  He swallowed 
Mulder whole and then transformed himself into Mulder and lay 
in his bed and tried to look like he was suffering from 
inhuman/staggering/horrible pain.

	So he waited a really long time because Little Red Head had to 
walk and walk and walk through the dark and scary woods. But 
swallowing her tears, she bravely kept on walking forward because she 
had to get to Mulder before he died. So it was a really long time 
before she finally reached the hospital. As she entered the room, she
had the cutest little sympathetic smile on her face and her eyes 
filled with tears. She had a real knack for it, crying and smiling and 
looking like an angel. Some people got confused even and called her 
Special Angel Little Red Head. But what's in a name?

	Bounty Hunter pretending to be Mulder turned his head with 
difficulty and looked at her with suffering in his eyes. He didn't 
have to pretend much seeing as he really suffered having waited this 
long. "Little Red Head, where have you been?" he whispered in a dying 
voice.

	"Oh Mulder," Little Red Head started crying, without listening 
to what he was saying at all. "I am so happy you are still alive!" she 
reached out to hug him and stood up quickly in surprise. "Dear Mulder, 
why do you have such a thick neck?"

	"So that I could support my head full of thoughts of love for 
you," Bounty Hunter answered.

	Little Red Head melted. This was so sweet! But something was 
still bothering her. "Dear Mulder, why do you have such abnormally 
large hands?"

	"So that I could better hug you," Bounty Hunter was starting 
to sweat. 

	Little Red Head dissolved in tears. This was all she ever 
wanted to hear! But she couldn't let go anyway, not yet. "Dear Mulder, 
why do you have such big teeth?"

	"So that I could crack all these sunflower seeds you brought 
me, darling Little Red Head!" Bounty Hunter grabbed one more and 
cracked it loudly, spitting the shell with much enthusiasm. 

	Now Little Red Head knew that something was wrong! Mulder 
never called her Little Red Head. Very timely, Bounty Hunter reached 
for the ice tea and choked on it. You see, even though Mulder loved 
Little Red Head, he never made love to her, so that made her bitter 
and she never sweetened her ice tea. And Bounty Hunter had a sweet 
tooth - I mean, otherwise he wouldn't have eaten Mulder. 

	So as he choked, he spat Mulder out and Little Red Head took 
out her gun and shot Bounty Hunter. Mulder said something like: "Oh, 
Little Red Head, I love you!" but he made it much more romantic. 
And then Mulder and Little Red Head lay on the floor, their naked 
bodies glistening in the sweat of passion and Bounty Hunter's blood 
(oy, I guess it's toxic, but I think that by now both Little Red Head
and Mulder are kind of immune, besides, this makes for a better 
dramatic tension) was squishing under them. Of course, Mulder was 
still dying but he wanted to go out with a bang, you know?

	For such is the nature of all-encompassing love.

The End.

P.S. She started sweetening her ice tea then, too.

Author's Notes: A psycho broke in my house, held me at gunpoint, and 
forced me to write this. He takes full responsibility for his actions, 
but I don't for mine. 
By the way, the psycho said he wants feedback, so let it rip! And let 
him know that you just don't do such things to innocent fanfic writers!

Oh, and I blame Ashlea partially for this story, too <g>