Date sent: Sun, 16 Nov 1997 13:37:02 -0500 (EST) From: FirePhile@aol.com Subject: REVISED: Collages of Emotion Disclaimer: These aren't mine folks, they belong to 1013 productions, CC&Co and FOX Television network. :) Title: Collages of Emotion Author: FirePhile Category: VA Rating: G/PG Spoilers: Tons for Redux II Summary: Mulder's thoughts during the hospital scenes. *Too late, too late* whispered in Mulder's thoughts as he walked towards the desk, his footsteps on the lineoneum sounded like the ticks of a clock and time was running out. He barely heard Skinner's words as he walked down the corridor, went through the door of the ICU and turned the corner. The sight knocked the breath out of him, he breathed deeply, memories rushed back and choked him. His first experience with death had been at age 7 when his grandmother contracted lung cancer and faded slowly away. A few times his mother had brought him and Samantha to his grandmother's bedside and he could barely resist the urge to run. Her sickness had revolted him and he resented his mother for forcing him to speak to the dying woman. Now however was different. He'd been in hospitals too many times in the past to be bothered by them for more than the initial reaction. He knew he'd seen more people he'd cared about die than most people would ever see in a lifetime. Mulder felt he had failed Scully who was lying on a hospital bed not too far from him, hooked up to machinery. The mantra running through his mind didn't change, he half-expected to be told that she was in a coma and the doctors didn't give her long. The guilt made him numb, his fault, his fault. When Skinner tried to pull him away, he reacted without thinking, forgetting who he was pushing. Or maybe knowing exactly who he was pushing and not caring, he felt betrayed. The next time Mulder saw Scully was after she felt better and had been moved to a private room. His first thought was how pale and weak she looked. Her eyes were unfocused and lighter than he remembered. He held her hand, noticing its coolness and kissed her cheek to express his concern. Her first response was to his safety, he smiled at that, Scully always put others before herself. She calmed down quickly though, remembering that she too had come out of hiding to see Missy, not caring about the danger that surrounded her at that time. Mulder didn't want to talk about work or the lies, that wasn't important at the moment. Mulder wanted Scully to know that he was there for her, like she had been there for him. She brought up the subject, even sick with cancer she didn't want to be left out. Her last words to him, that she wanted to take the blame for the murder surprised him. He searched her eyes, looking for hesistation, nervousness, there was nothing. All he saw was her desire to help, to give meaning to her life, to save him so that he could expose whoever had caused her so much pain. Part of him was glad that her mom and brother had chosen that moment to step in, he had no answers to give Scully, he knew that he could never live with himself if he condemed her. He tried to express it without words but her eyes pleaded with him and he had to get out of the room quickly. He kissed her hand, to let her know that they'd talk later but that he wasn't going to do what she wanted. The next day he stepped into her hospital room, it was late, she needed her strength. Everything that had happened he couldn't comprehend. His thoughts were jumbled. *A deal, a deal, my soul for the truth. Until now my life's been about finding my sister, but for all the innocents, Scully, it hasn't been worth it. Even that quest has been taken away from me, I am like a knight without a purpose. The man who I've come to consider Moriarty to my Sherlock Holmes has proven himself to have a connection to me that I would have never fathomed.* He felt the emotions rise as he looked down at Scully and the pain brought him to his knees. It was odd that he remembered something that Darlene Morris had said, The truth has brought me nothing but heartache. At that time he had tried to push beyond that but now, he understood how she felt. He had no choice, either he would rot in jail for the rest of his life, sell out the only person he trusted, or become one of them. As he sobbed silently he realized that he already was one of them. For God's sake, he had killed a man to get at the truth and it hadn't helped anyone. Scully, his rock, the one constant as everything else was upturned and confused was cracking and would soon vanish. Without her he could not continue, without her faith in him and her abilities, he was dead in the water. The paranoid defenses that he had so carefully built up were crumbling at his feet and the most awful realization was that he could make the deal. He could become one of them and live with himself, give up the last shred of humanity that he posessed. He sobbed more for the loss of himself than anything else. Mulder walked into her hospital room and admitted how she had become his conscience and that he trusted her judgement more than he did his own. He had no idea how he could have ever been so blind, the mole in the FBI was so obvious that he couldn't believe he had missed it. Blevins had said they would take care of it if Mulder pointed the finger at Skinner and suddenly some of those small pieces started to fall into place. He couldn't be one of them, they destroyed too many lives. He sat outside Scully's hospital room, not sure how to feel. On one hand Scully was in remission, no one knew the reason. On the other the empty hole that had started to develop in his soul was not shrinking and he still felt lost and confused. He might have back his Watson but he did not have himself. Skinner walked to him and handed him the picture. So much had happened that this almost seemed like an afterthought and when Skinner stepped in to say hello to Scully, he glanced down at the picture. Samantha as he remembered no longer existed, the little girl was dead. His only link with the woman she had become was dead or missing, he didn't care which. Either way, he started to cry and then held it in, no way would he shed a tear over that Cigarette Smoking Bastard. END Ok, the one that went out everwhere was missing a "mulderthought paragraph" so I thought that it should be resent because it was needed in the story :) Again, send all feedback to FirePhile@aol.com and you'll get warm fuzzies in return :)